We see beauty differently
by AZTbreak
Summary: Angel can't seem to fit her vision of perfection.
1. Maybe

**Warning! this story will contain eating disorder!** **sorry**

**This was inspired by the story ****Loosing Control**

**I own nothing**

* * *

"How did this happen?" Collins asked again.

"I-I don't know…" Angel muttered letting the flow freely.

"Tell me" He said more firmly.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes she remembered that day clearly it was her wake up call.

Angel was sitting on the couch just waiting for Collins to come home. It was a bad day period and he was the only thing that could change it around. When he stepped through the door she jumped up and ran to hug him.

"Hey" he sighed.

"Hi how are you feeling?" She asked and tried to kiss him.

He turned his head to shut the door forcing Angel to kiss his cheek "I'm fine..."

"What's wrong?"

"It's finales week everyone stresses out" he sat down and started to grade papers.

Feeling self-conscious Angel bit her lip and looked down at her outfit "So... what do you think of this dress?"

"Uh, it's nice" he barely glanced at it.

"Ok, well I'm just going to go check my uh…. Make up" She trailed off and headed into the bathroom.

She looked in the mirror not at her face but at everything else. Maybe the bitchy girls she met today were right maybe she was… ugly and this dress didn't look good on her. Maybe nothing did. Angel was tough most of the time, she could take a punch, most words don't affect her but there were a few that did. _Ugly, unloved, _and _fat _the girls she had met today used all turned around and looked over her shoulder at her butt.

_I wouldn't kill me to lose a few pounds _she thought._ No! You're crazy you look fine! Just think about how Collins greeted you…._ She mind trailed off about how he denied her kiss. _He said this dress looked nice without looking at you. He loves you. Doesn't he?_

She took a deep breath and stepped outside trying to act normal.

"Hey Collins what do you want to do tonight" she started to rub his shoulders.

He shrugged it off "I don't know Ang I have a lot of papers to grade."

"And you don't have any time for a break?" she laid across the table.

"No Angel, I don't" he was getting frustrated.

She tried to stay calm "Well can I least have a kiss to tie me over?"

He half rolled his eye and gave her a quick peck it felt meaning less.

"Happy?" he asked once he pulled away.

Trying to force the tears back she nodded and started to leave the room.

"Um, I forgot did say that you like this dress?"

"Yes, it looks fine on you, whatever."

She went back to the bathroom and cried the girls were right. It's true Angel had gained weight since she knew Collins but that's because there has been more food in the house. But she never thought it would bother Collins.

_Well maybe if I cut back on eating for a while I can get back on track and I can even look better._

* * *

**Continue or not to continue? that is the question**


	2. diet and exercise

**I'm back bitches! :D**

**Please enjoy **

**I own nothing**

* * *

Collins looked at her confused "Cut back on food? How far back Angel, when did it change?"

She couldn't look him in the eye she mumbled "I don't know."

"You said that a minute ago but know and remember. Please, baby, I want to help you."

Angel sighed and started again "It was Friday…."

The sign lit saying "Don't walk" Angel stopped to breath. She bent forward placing her hands on her knees and gasped for air she hadn't worked out like this since high school when she was on the track team. Her new diet and exercise routine was brutal but she was determined to lose the weight and get Collins attention back. She hurried across the street once the light changed the apartment wasn't far.

"Two more blocks" she whispered.

Once she got back the first thing she grabbed was a tall glass of water. Suddenly, Collins walked in Angel gave him a hug he immediately let go.

"Why are you so sweaty?" he asked.

Angel took a drink "You know I've been running. How were finals?"

"God it was terrible I doubt those kid retained anything I taught them." He lied on the couch and turned on the TV.

Angel walked into the bathroom and stood on the scale she had been exercising and dieting all through Collins finals week.

"Half a pound?" Angel said in disbelief staring at the scale. "That's it? After a whole week!"

She stopped to think and review all the hard work she had put in and then she started to remember all the times she cheated on it like any normal person would.

"Fuck" She muttered stepping off the scale and walking into the living room. "Uh, Collins… h-how do I look?"

Collins looked at her not wanting to say the wrong answer "Is that a trick question?" She shook her head he looked at her and tried to be funny. "You look like you just worked out. Why?"

"No reason I guess…" she trailed off and headed back into the bathroom to shower.

_Okay this is NOT working,_ she thought. _I need to lose weight faster, I need.. I need to look like that._ Angel picked up a magazine clipping it had a picture of a stick thin model on it with a beautiful body and make up. She usually had a picture of models in the bathroom to copy their makeup but now it was for motivation.

"How did you get so thin?" she pointlessly asked the paper.

Then suddenly it hit her they don't eat! If you don't eat then you can't gain weight you can only lose it.

"I can do that," she muttered to herself getting into the shower. "I'm a starving artist starving is part of my title. It'll be easy."

Then she remembered all the effects not eating can have on your body she shook it off.

"I'll be fine, I just need a couple of pounds gone then I'll stop. This will work." She looked down at her stomach and grabbed the extra skin and "fat." "It has to work."

Angel woke up early one morning the hunger pains were too intense to let her sleep any more. She curled up in a ball squeezing her stomach but it was no use she needed something.

_What will stop this?_ She pleaded in her mind involuntarily said _FOOD! No! Not that what else… Water! That will help, right?_

She eased out of bed careful not to wake Collins who was turned away on the opposite side of the bed. As she walked down the hall and stopped at the bathroom and stared at the scale. It had been four days since she started and kept the exercise plan. Now she was nervous to see if it paid off. She stepped onto the scale and looked down.

"Yes" she whispered. "Two pounds over four days now we're getting somewhere."

She hurried into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and filled it. She could have easily grabbed apple juice or soda but she couldn't stop yet there was still weight to be lost. After a few minutes she heard someone walk up behind her.

"What are you doing up so early?" Collins asked resting his hand on the small of her back.

"Oh, I couldn't sleep."

She shrugged he couldn't know he'd freak out.

"Why don't you come back to bed?" he held her hand.

_2 pounds really makes a difference_ she thought and followed him back to back to bed.

Angel went back to the spot she woke up in Collins smiled at her.

"You can come closer" he reached out for her.

She curled up next to him and sighed contently it was working.

* * *

**Please review**


	3. how?

**I am very sorry but i vow to never abandon a fanfic!**

**i own nothing**

* * *

"Angel when did it actually start or get out of hand?" Collins asked.

She looked down "It doesn't just work like that. It starts off like this and the more time I think like this the more I notice different things and the worse I felt. It's it just-"

She started the story up again.

* * *

Two weeks have passed since Angel lasted weighed herself she had dropped ten pounds. She eats very small meals whenever someone starts to nag but it's not often enough. Most of her clothes didn't fit anymore so she was out shopping with Mimi today. But all too soon Mimi started to complain.

"Are we going to eat soon?" The small Latina acted like a child.

Angel grabbed her bags and bit her lip "Uh, yeah we can go."

"Yay!" She picked up her five bags. "That's all you got?" She looked at Angel's one bag compared to her six.

"Yeah, I didn't really find anything I like."

"Mama! These are all clothes that are going to hide your body" she looked at the baggy clothes Angel had just purchased.

"Not all of them and I thought I would get something that I could feel comfy in."

"Okay? Well where do you want to eat?"

"Me? I'm not too hungry" She shrugged.

"What? How? We've been shopping all day!"

"I had a big breakfast and I don't eat like you" Angel laughed.

"Fine, Life café it is but are you sure you don't want anything?"

"I'm good really."

The restaurant was only a few blocks away the got there quickly and for once it wasn't too crowded. Mimi decided quickly on what she wanted and ushered a waiter over, she order a huge meal. The waiter turned to Angel.

"And for you? The usual?" he suggested.

"No just a hot tea" she put the menu down "you know what no, just a water's fine."

"Wow no tea?" Mimi touched Angel's forehead. "You feeling ok?" she joked.

She smiled "I'm fine it just gets hot under this wig sometimes so I'd rather have some nice cool water."

"All right, fair enough" Mimi agreed.

They chatted for a while about different things mostly Collins and Roger. Soon Mimi's food came she started shoveling it into her mouth as if she was the one not eating.

"How do you do it?" Angel asked.

"Do what?" Mimi said her mouth full of food.

"You stuff your face with tons of food and are still stick thin! How do you do it?"

She shrugged "Not a clue."

"Well, if you ever figure it out let me know!" the two of them laughed.

After a few minutes Mimi cleared her plate and Angel checked her watch 5:01 pm.

"I got to go Chica, Collins will be home soon."

"Ok" Mimi sighed. "I guess I better get home too."

She hurried back to the apartment but Collins had beaten her there. His attitude had become better but when she walked through the door he was lying on the couch reading.

"Hey" She said softly.

"Hi" he muttered.

"So um, I went out shopping Mimi today want to see what I got?"

Collins half smiled "I don't know Ang. I just got home and-"

"Come on you might like some of it."

"Fine" he sighed and sat up.

"Go wait in the bedroom" she said walking into the bathroom Collins slowly got up and walk into the room.

Angel took deep breaths as she put on the new outfit: a red plaid skirt that was too short for anyone and a long sleeve grey sweater that was cut to show off her stomach. She stared in the mirror and saw someone who looked twice her size starring back at her. Even though she had lost weight she had never felt fatter. She took the few short steps from the bathroom to the bathroom. When she opened the door and Collins face lit up.

"Come closer" he said when she stopped in the door way she managed a small smile and went to sit on his lap.

"Wh-what do you thing?" she asked shyly.

"You look amazing" he said and captured her mouth in a passionate kiss.

Angel moved to push Collins on his back and straddle him at the waist forgetting her insecurities. He broke the kiss and look up at her she cocked her head to the side.

"Is something wrong?" she asked everything flooding back.

Collins smiled and pushed up her shirt "you're wearing too much clothes."

"Oh now I see." She laughed.

"Better" he said as soon as it was gone.

He looked Angel over and let his hands roam a twinge of fear came over him as he saw how much her ribs and how each bone was clearly defined and her hip bones were more prominent.

_Is Angel getting sick?_ He thought weight loss is a common side effect of the disease that had a tight hold on them.

"Uh, Angel, are you feeling ok?" he asked keeping the fear out of his voice.

"I feel great" she said kissing his neck.

"A-are you sure?" he said trying to stay focused.

"Very sure" she started to unbutton his shirt.

Night came Collins stomach growled he looked over at Angel who was resting against his chest. _Food that's what she needs_ he thought._ A couple good meals to get some meat on her bones and she'll be back to her old self._

"Hey, Angelcake."

She smiled at the name, "Yes honey?"

"It's almost time for dinner, what do you want to eat?" he put his pants on.

She moved away "Oh, um nothing I'm not hungry."

"You're not?" he was shocked.

"Yeah I had a big lunch" she shrugged.

"So? When has that ever stopped you before?"

"Gee, thanks" she said sarcastically. "I'm just not hungry ok?" she turned away from him.

For some reason that set him off too he snapped back "fine" he got out of bed.

She put on a robe and followed him down the hallway "You know I don't appreciate you making me sound like a fat pig!"

"Why are you getting defensive about this?"

Angel took a deep breath and stepped back "never mind it's not important."

"Well obviously it is if it's making you act like this" he said a lot calmer and wrapped his arm around her. "Tell me what's wrong."

She tried to come up with a lie quick but her brain just wouldn't work "Well, uh lately… Lately I have been having bad mood swings and…. Collins I think I'm pregnant."

He burst out laughing "Oh, thank god! Don't scare me like that!"

She laughed weakly "Well aren't you shocked? I'm having a baby."

"Oh, yes!" Collins played along leading her into the kitchen forming a plan. "Well now that you're pregnant you better start eating good with feeding for two and all."

He started to prepare a simple but filling meal. In no time he placed a big plate in front of her. Vegetables and rice one of her favorites her mouth started to water.

"Oh, Collins you shouldn't have" she said.

"I wanted to now eat up."

Before she could stop herself she started eating and soon the plate was almost clean and she was full.

Collins smiled at her "Feel better?"

She faked a smile "Yup!"

"Good" he set their plates in the sink then spread out on the couch.

He motioned for her to sit next to him she happily complied but still the thought of all the calories nagging in the back of her mind. She turned on the Tv and soon Collins was sound asleep she carefully got up and snuck into the bathroom.

"Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god!" she whispered running her fingers through her short curly hair. "No, I'm going to gain all the weight back."

She looked in the mirror she looked bigger than before "Oh, god! What do I do?" she picked up a magazine and looked at the model "How do you stay skinny?" she looked back at the mirror and saw the toilet in the background.

She hesitated "Should I?"

Angel sat on the ground hovering over the bowl as she stuck her finger down her throat she didn't want to throw up but it was the only thing she could think of. Once her stomach saw empty she weakly stood back up and began to brush her teeth. As she stared at her reflection in her twisted vision of herself she seemed thinner. Now Angel had a new secret to being thin.

* * *

**Do you like it?**

**Angel i hear you will be updated soon i swear**


End file.
